Posted in First Job Out of College Generation Y on June 5, 2008 at 6:22 am
Today’s guest post is from Chris Schonberger, editor in chief of Gradspot.com and author of The Gradspot.com Guide to Life After College.
Business Speak 101
By Chris Schonberger
For recent grads new to working life, one of the most difficult aspects of adapting to the office can be simply figuring out what everyone is talking about. Just as academics rely on multi-syllabic words and scholarly jargon to befuddle outsiders, corporate types build their mystique around extremely simple clichés and expressions whose deeper meaning (apparently) lurks beneath the surface. To help you navigate the BS, here’s a quick crash course in some of the more common phrases you’re likely to hear around the office:
“Chicken and egg situation”
Corporate meaning: There is an unclear causality at work.
What it really means: There is probably some sort of logic to the data that you are presenting to me, but it would require too much thought to figure it out. I will just artfully dodge the entire issue with a meaningless cliché!
“Grab the bulls by the horns”
Corporate meaning: Take control of the situation.
What it really means: No one grabs the bull by the horns, not even a bullfighter. It’s just dangerous. The better move is to wave a colorful sheet around to annoy it then jab spears into its spinal column.
“Golden goose”
Corporate meaning: A cash cow, but in avian form; an idea that will produce high returns.
What it really means: Now that things are going well, I no longer worry about whether eggs come before birds, or vice versa. When the egg is golden, don’t ask questions.
“Compare apples to apples”
Corporate meaning: When doing analysis, only compare like things.
What it really means: Apparently, it would sound too negative to say “don’t compare apples and oranges” like a normal person would. That said, I’d love to meet the person who can objectively compare a Granny Smith to a Red Delicious.
“Don’t reinvent the wheel”
Corporate meaning: Let’s not try to fix something that isn’t broken or come up with new solutions to problems that have already been solved.
What it really means: If you are not in the automotive industry, why are you even thinking about wheels? But seriously, fear of taking on the wheel has slowed up GDP growth by at least 10% per year. Maybe there is a better solution.
“Deliverable”
Corporate meaning: A tangible piece of work that can be handed in and reviewed.
What it really means: I don’t trust that you are actually doing any work so I will force you to waste time by turning it into a sort of grown-up homework assignment.
“Drink the Kool-Aid”
Corporate meaning: You have to buy into the corporate culture and believe in the company.
What it really means: Working is miserable, so you must trick yourself into thinking that it is awesome, mostly by pretending that Ultimate Frisbee outings and happy hours are better than not doing those things. This phrase literally originated from a mass suicide orchestrated by Jim Jones—the zealot, not the rapper.
“Touch Base”
Corporate meaning: Let’s speak at a later date to see where things are at.
What it really means: I don’t trust that you are actually doing any work, so I will force you to waste time by telling me about it. (Alternatively: I don’t know what to say right now—let’s postpone this conversation so that I’ll have time to look a few things up on Wikipedia.)
Thanks to Chris for a very funny post!
@ Erika – ha! Love that story. I agree that people use business speak to make themselves seem smarter!
I have to admit I laughed right out loud about the “deiverable” one. I had a boss who always asked people in interviews, “Well, what was your deliverable?” This question never made sense to anyone but it made the manager feel smart. Alas, the working world would be so much more palatable without business speak!